a little soul
by saint-berry
Summary: "She knows that have a good six months before they can even begin to get worried about it. But each time she finds out she isn't pregnant, it's like feeling her dreams of motherhood and family pulled further away, each time a little more disappointing and a little more worrying."


They've been trying for months now, and though _everybody _is telling her that it's too early to worry, Rachel can't help but feel a niggle of doubt with every negative result. She went through fertility tests when she was preparing to give Kurt and Blaine the greatest gift, and an incredible stroke of luck left her pregnant on their very first attempt.

She and Jesse haven't been quite so lucky.

She knows that have a good six months before they can even begin to get worried about it. But each time she finds out she isn't pregnant, it's like feeling her dreams of motherhood and family pulled further away, each time a little more disappointing and a little more worrying. They never expected it to happen overnight. They did, however, expect it to happen _eventually_.

Somehow, the worst part is knowing that she's completely healthy. In fact, when she was preparing for what Jesse refers to as "rent-a-womb", Rachel was thrilled find out that she was "particularly fertile". So when she thinks about their current childlessness, the squirm of guilt and anguish in her gut reminds her that if this doesn't happen for them, it's because of Jesse. And picturing him facing that realisation breaks her heart.

He's calmer than she is, of course. Rachel can rely on him to kiss her forehead and whisper, "next time" to her, but she's already gone through every scenario in her head, and every time she sees the '-' symbol, she feels one step closer to a life of only having cat children.

Despite her desperation, it's been exactly 168 hours since she last took a pregnancy test. Upon realising she was quickly burning through New York's entire supply, Jesse made her promise to only take a test once a week, and nothing has proved more tortuous. As the clock strikes twelve, her fingers fumble on the packaging, so keen to see if today will finally be the day.

Her morning was dedicated to drinking as much water as possible, and so Rachel is more than ready to get into the bathroom. As she hovers unceremoniously over the toilet, she catches sight of a glass on the bathroom counter, and realises there's a far more dignified solution to this. She takes note of it for next time, and then wrinkles her nose. If all goes well, there won't be a next time for a long while.

Once the caps on both tests are secured, Rachel starts the timer, washes her hands, and takes a deep breath. These two minutes are always the worst. When Jesse is there to wait with her, she usually buries into his side, but he's working and she's only got their cats for company. By force of habit, she finds her phone to check her messages, but her stomach churns too much to reply to Kurt's snapchat of his and Blaine's daughter dressed in a tutu and fairy wings. She's so desperate to be the one sending snapchats like that.

Eventually, she settles by the window in their bedroom, gazing out across the picturesque New York street. It's always been a dream of hers to live in a Brownstone. She's got the perfect house, the most incredible husband, the Tony, and the circle of adoring friends – there's only one thing missing, and she's feeling more and more out of control when it comes to getting it.

With a sigh, she rests her hand over her stomach, closing her eyes.

"Please," she whispers, biting her lip. "Please, this time."

It feels like an age before the timer goes off, and she walks slowly into the bathroom. She's not sure she's ready to be let down again. With a deep breath, she reaches out for the two tests, turning them over at the same time…

And lets out a jubilant squeal.

Jumping in the air, Rachel barely has time to grab a test, seeing the pink '+' sign again and squealing louder. Hand clasped over her mouth, she can't help the joyful giggles bursting from her, finding herself tearing up with a sudden burst of happiness and love. All the worry and concern have evaporated, and all Rachel can feel is pure joy.

It takes her half an hour to stop grinning, and after that, touching her stomach becomes a habit. She's carried a baby before, but it didn't feel like this. There's happiness spreading through her whole body, and all she can think about is the life inside her, hers and Jesse's and so completely perfect. Being pregnant already feels different, more special, and she can't wait for Jesse to get home so he can share the good news.

Luckily for her, his work today is only an early morning shoot, so he's scheduled to get home at a reasonable 4pm rather than a tragically distant 10 or 11. He's been filming a TV show in the city, and Rachel couldn't be prouder. He's already won a Tony for Best Actor, and directed a Tony award winning show, and now he's going to be a star of the small screen as well as of the stage. There's nothing he can't do. When she thinks about it, she whispers to baby that they have the most talented, wonderful daddy in the whole world.

Of course, Rachel realises at about 2pm that she isn't sure exactly how she's going to tell Jesse about his impending fatherhood. There's no scan to show him, and handing him something she's peed on seems a bit disgusting. Eventually, she grabs her keys and purse and gets a taxi to the baby store Kurt and Blaine seem to spend their life in.

Wandering around shelves and tables worth of tiny, adorable clothes, Rachel realises how spoilt she is for choice. She's almost certain she'll buy the entire store by the time their baby is walking, and she's stuck for a long time about whether to get the 'I 3 My Daddy' baby grow or the adorable one with gold stars on it.

She's about to selflessly buy the one celebrating baby's love for Jesse, rather than her own gold stars, when she sees the one she knows she has to get. Brown and white with a little bear and colourful writing, it reads 'I'm cute. Mommy's cute. Daddy's lucky.', and she's certain it's a sentiment that Jesse is going to express as soon as they have their baby in their arms. Armed with her choice, the woman at the till gift wraps it, and Rachel makes it back with only a few minutes to spare before Jesse gets home.

She tries not to grin and giggle too much as she throws her arms around him, clinging to his collar to pull him in for a longer kiss than the domestic welcome home he's used to. When Jesse raises a questioning eyebrow – a smug smirk on his lips nonetheless – she just shakes her head and takes his hand, guiding him into their living room.

"What's going on?"

Though she can hear the confusion in Jesse's voice, she can tell he's not worried, and so she sits him down with no explanation, leaning over to kiss him once more before saying anything.

"A present came for you today. Sent from an incredibly important person."

She ignores Jesse's frown and hands him the box, opting not to answer his unspoken question, and completely unable to stop herself beaming. He unwraps it agonisingly slowly, but when it comes to taking the lid off, her eyes move from the gift itself to his face, wanting to watch his every emotion.

His frown deepens when he sees it, and she watches his eyes skim the text. And then they go wide, and he looks up at her, disbelief on his face. A smile wavers, ready to break out at the first sign of confirmation.

"Rach, are you – are you pregnant?"

With tears filling her eyes and her hand clasped over her mouth, Rachel nods. Jesse's expression softens, and the smile on his face grows to match hers.

"You're certain? We're having a baby?"

Though joyful, his voice is tight, and she can see his eyes are shining. She's only known Jesse to cry twice before – firstly on their wedding day, and then when she won her Tony – and she leans over to kiss him, wet and sloppy, with tears – hers or his, she doesn't know – spilling over their cheeks.

"Yes." She chokes it out, half a laugh and half a sob. "Yes, we're having a baby."

Jesse wraps his arms around her, strong and safe, and she can't help it as she cries into his shoulder, overwhelmed and so, so happy. She's always wanted to have it all, success and romance, a career and family, but in her husband's arms with their baby growing inside her, she can't imagine any amount of awards comparing to this feeling. The look on Jesse's face when he rests his hand over her stomach is worth any starring role, and then he leans down to talk to their baby and she's certain that the light of a spotlight could never compare to the light in Jesse's eyes.

After he's promised their baby unconditional love, support, and possibly a pony, Rachel tugs him back up to her, alternating between kissing him, laughing, crying, and different combinations of the three. As their kisses are getting a little deeper and Jesse's hand has slid down from her stomach to her thigh, he pulls back for a moment and brushes their noses together.

"Jesse Jr. for a boy, right?"

The withering look she gives him is answer enough, and he laughs and kisses that spot on her neck.

"Fine. Freddie Mercury St. James it is, then."

She gasps as his teeth grave her skin, but manages to shake her head.

"Aaron Tveit St. James is a much better name."

In retaliation to his lips on her neck, she slips her hand under his shirt, brushing the spot under his abs that drives him crazy.

"Maybe we should have this discussion later."

Rachel nods in agreement, twisting her head to suck on his bottom lip, and the way Jesse shivers makes her think that Aaron Tveit St. James could end up a reality. But then his hand slides a little higher, and she forgets how to say any name that isn't his.


End file.
